Wrestling with my conscience

This photo doesn’t really have anything to do with the post, but who doesn’t like a pic of some cute kids?!

I’m guessing a vast majority of Westerners who live in the majority world have hit this issue, I know it’s something that came up a lot when I lived in Kenya, and stayed in the back of my mind while we lived in Australia, and now it’s back, with a vengeance, on a whole different level now that we’ve added kids to the mix. Or maybe I’m just strange and most people don’t think about it at all.

What is it?

Well……there’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just say it.

Affluence. Wealth. And the responsible, reasonable stewardship of said wealth.

I had an interesting experience a couple of weeks ago, that has weighed on my mind a lot since then. And really, to many, it’s probably not that big a deal, something that can be brushed off, justified, dealt with, but it’s stuck with me.

We are about to move house, we are moving into a place that belonged to teammates of ours who have left the country, and before them there was another AIM family living there. So along with the history and furnishings, come two lovely ladies who have been employed by those 2 families for a number of years. They are hardworking, wonderful ladies who rely on their pay to support their families. I had to have a very difficult conversation with them a couple of weeks ago, and basically tell them that we aren’t in a position to employ them both because we can’t afford their wages. It was not an easy conversation. It was not a pleasant conversation. It potentially has massive ramifications for one of the ladies as they lose full-time employment and a fair wage in a place where work and fair wages are not easy to find.

Fast forward 24 hours and we had parent-teacher conferences with the kid’s teachers and received their report cards. They did so well, we were so proud of them. They have not had an easy 8 months (leaving all that is familiar is not an easy thing to do for anyone, but is so much harder for kids who don’t really understand why, or what it means, and really are just coming along for the ride), and they exceeded our expectations for how they would do at school. I remember report-card dinner out when I was a kid, it made me feel so special, so we decided we wanted to celebrate the kids and their achievement and really everything about them ‘cos they’ve done so well, by going out for dinner. We weren’t going to go anywhere fancy – just one of the cheapest places we’ve found that’s close to us, where we like the food.

In order to do that though, I had to cut short my language lesson and tell my language helper that I could only do an hour lesson because we were taking the kids out for dinner. As I said those words it suddenly hit me – here I am, telling someone who is an invaluable help, who has become a friend, who I pay very little in the grand scheme of things, that I am going to take my kids out for dinner, and while I didn’t specify where we were going, I realized we were going out to spend about the equivalent of what I would pay her for 5 language lessons. And last night I’d told those ladies that we can’t afford to pay you both. But tonight I’m going to spend half of your wages. On just one meal.

And suddenly I’m thinking, and constantly think it now, how do we do this? How do we live our lives, make it as smooth as possible for the kids, and us, but live responsibly? Sensibly? As good stewards of what we have? I’ll be honest, financially it’s not always easy and there has been month left at the end of the money, but then if I start to compare with locals – we live in a mansion, we drive a huge car. Golly, we HAVE a car. We buy $11 boxes of cereal for our kids occasionally so that life feels a little bit ‘normal’ for them. We buy apples, and pay 60c each for them because ‘Do we have to have bananas all the time?’ We eat meat at least 4 times a week in a place where meat is a special occasion meal for most.

So how DO we do this? Do we take the frame of mind that plenty of locals live like us, live better than us, so it’s ok? Or we’re ‘rich foreigners’, it’s expected, so it’s ok? Do we give up those ‘luxuries’ that make life that little bit easier and a little more ‘normal’ so that we can live more like those who have less, far less, than us? Do we do nothing, stop thinking about it and just get on with it?

I don’t know that there is an easy answer, or an answer at all.
I guess the wrestling will continue.

Getting our homeschool ON!

I think I can now officially call myself a “homeschooling mum”! Not a label I thought I’d ever have, but Makena and I have been getting our home-school on the last week and a bit. When we came here I expected to do a little bit of homeschooling, but it wasn’t supposed to be a big deal, or a long-term commitment. More a time-filler than anything else.

Well, we’re nothing if not flexible, right?

It turns out our smooth, planned out segue of moving to Rwanda and getting the kids into school was more akin to traveling a little-used bush track, than the smooth ride down a new highway we had pictured. The journey included roadblocks, bush-bashing, detours and washouts. As well as a fair bit of that “pancake fixing” I mentioned here, tears and a lot of questioning – are we even on the right road (in regards to school)? It’s a long story, won’t bore you with the details, but the outcome is that Makena and I are doing a fairly intense homeschool program – 7 hours of phonics, spelling, sight words, reading fluency, comprehension, grammar and maths (*grits teeth and repeats “Maths is fun” over and over*), 5 days a week for the next couple of months.

Last week we had a ‘honeymoon period’ – focus, enthusiasm, all-round great attitude, getting stuck into every task without question or complaint. It was delightful. I was confident, enthusiastic, even quietly thanking the school for messing us around and forcing this homeschool thing on us. This week – reality has hit. I’m seeing why school was so tricky for my girl in a whole new light, how much of a struggle reading is for her, and the clever not-so-great habits she has formed to avoid things that she perceives as too hard or simply not worth her time.

And this whole process has brought to light some home-truths about myself. Like, I’m not very patient with my own kids. Put me in a room with kids who swear at you, throw things or tantrums and I have all the patience in the world (well….to a point). Put me in a room, at a table with my kid who throws a pencil down in frustration, gives me a death stare and huffs ‘I can’t DO this’ and its all I can do not to snap back at her, “Yes you CAN, just give it another go. Read it again. You know this.” Gone in an instant is the patient, sit back and wait, don’t react negatively me.

Also, I don’t handle rejection well, especially through my kids. When we were told that the school was not going to take one of the kids and was questioning their ability to cater for the other, due to their results on the pre-admission assessments they did (don’t even get me started on standardised testing. I had little patience for it before, and even less now), well……lets just say you probably would have enjoyed being a fly on the wall and seeing the little tantrum I threw.

And I have the whole-self condemnation thing down to a fine art. “It’s all my fault. If only I hadn’t worked the last 3 years I would have been there for my kids more, I shouldn’t have studied because that took even more time away from them. If I weren’t working and studying I would have noticed how hard school was for Makena, I would have been able to help her. Why did we move here, ‘cos how are we going to get her assessed and helped and fixed now? What kind of a parent are you? Heck, what kind of a teacher are you to not pick this up?” Helpful. Not.

So clearly, I have some stuff to work on. But I have to say, despite all of that, I am cherishing this opportunity to spend time with my girl. To encourage her and be the one to see her excitement when she’s doing something well. To teach her new things and learn with her (like congruent shapes and order properties and – now I’m really showing my ignorance (what hope does the kid have?!) – that ‘tele’ is Latin for ‘far away’!). To have lots of time with her – just the two of us – something that I feel I’ve missed since she was a toddler. To help her with her learning and reading which I’ve mourned missing out on a lot over the last few years. In a way, I feel like I’ve been handed this opportunity to make up for lost time.

And that is a blessing.

 
 

Pancakes

Makena has recently taken a particular liking to cooking. She can make French Toast on her own, is quite an accomplished egg scrambler, & enjoys helping with dinner or baking as often as she can. Lately she’s been asking me to teach her how to make things “from scratch”, and decided she wanted to start with pancakes. “I can do it,” she assured me, “on my own.” So off she went, getting each step from me (I don’t have a printed recipe for pancakes) then going to do it on her own. When she added the milk I left her to it with the instructions that she needed to get all the lumps out so she had a smooth batter. All good.

Or so I thought.

When I came back I discovered she had added almost 2 litres of milk to her batter – “because it didn’t feel right. So I just added more until it was better!”

Thankfully I was able to salvage her batter, but needless to say – we ate pancakes for 3 days!

It got me thinking though – how often do we try to fix things because they don’t “feel right”? Things that we have supposedly given to God & are trusting Him with, but as soon as something happens that doesn’t meet with our expectations, or the timing is ‘wrong’, we try and fix it.

Or am I the only one who does that?

Picture source.

Things I’ve Learned

I had planned on writing a new post much sooner than this, but packing your life into 5 bags and a container (for storage – not shipping!) is quite an experience, as is world travel with said luggage and 2 kids. Thought I’d share some of my observations, and the things I’ve learned through the experience. I’ve numbered them, though not in order of importance or preference.

1.  When packing your life to move it across the other side of the world, I would recommend not working right up until a week before you are due to leave. Finish as early as possible, I’d suggest a month. At least.
   This gives you:
   a) opportunity to finish well at work and have time for proper goodbyes & closure
   b) time to solely focus on everything that happens in life outside work for the last little while before you go. It’s incredibly difficult to remain focused on your job when you have so much else going on. And yes, I speak from experience. As in the kind of experience you have from not taking your own advice.
2. Pack your house and move out at least a couple of weeks before you are due to fly out. That way it’s all done and you have time to give others, and yourself, plenty of opportunity to say goodbye. Packing the house, redirecting the mail and all those little, last minute jobs take a lot of time away from what’s most important – relationships. One of the things that saddened me most in our last weeks at home was feeling like I didn’t have the time to spend with friends and family to say goodbye.
3. Don’t be too proud to accept help from others.
   As a very wise person told me – people won’t offer to help if they don’t really want to, and for some, that’s how they express their love for you. I cannot express how grateful I am to the people who gave up time to come and do odd jobs, tidy the gardens, help with a garage sale, people who recognised that I wasn’t coping and came and packed most of my house in the weeks, and then days, before we were due to fly out, who weren’t afraid to say “Get rid of it” or “Yes, you should keep that” when I couldn’t make the decision, who finished the packing when we ran out of time, who cleaned up the mess we left so the house was ready for the tenants.
4. Limit your luggage.
   We were in a bit of a tricky situation – packing to move for at least 4 years to a country with a temperate climate, but spending over a month traveling to places that were freezing. So we had to have clothes for all climates, but at the same time have the things we would need for life. We managed to squeeze everything into 5 bags, plus carry on, but wrangling all of it, plus the 2 kids, in and out of transport was tricky. Especially the trains in Switzerland.
   

   Waiting for the train in Geneva.

5. Take ‘comfort items’ for the kids.Not sure if I read that somewhere, or if someone told me, but it was some great advice. It’s tempting to take out the toys, game and books the kids love so there’s more space for more ‘important’ items, but having some things that the kids are familiar with has been invaluable. When they aren’t coping, pulling out something they love works wonders. Can be a hard call when one of the most important comfort items is a heat pack that weighs about a kilo, but it was a good call.
6. When you make the effort to visit people who are far away, even if you don’t know them, they don’t mind you staying a while! One of the hardest decisions we made on this trip was how long we wanted to spend with people in each place. Budget and time constraints are of course factors, but only staying a couple of days/nights because you don’t want to overstay your welcome shouldn’t come into it. Unless you are planning on staying for weeks or months – that might be a different story! I think our only regret was not having more time to spend with everyone.
7. Earplugs are the most amazing invention ever. Pack a decent supply!

So there it is. Seven things I’ve learned in the last few weeks, though I’m sure there are more.
How about you? Any lessons from major life changes?

A Swift Kick….

Sometimes a swift kick is what is needed for a bit of perspective.

 

 

I was thinking I’d give you a quick run-down of the content, but honestly – he says it so much better.

Couple of things that hit me:

God will take you where you haven’t chosen to go in order to produce in you what you could not achieve on your own. 

 

No one is more influential in your life than you are because no one talks to you more than you do……And you’re always preaching to yourself some kind of gospel.

 

 

Definitely worth watching, or if you prefer to just listen:

http://marshill.com/media/best-sermon-ever/dr-paul-tripp-the-difference-between-amazement-and-faith-mark-6-45-52

Or if you are a ‘device’ user, Mars Hill has an app with all their sermons and lots of other good stuff.

Felled

I’ve been trying to think of an analogy, or a metaphor, or something that would adequately sum up the last month. ‘Emotional rollercoaster’ was the best I could think of, but it seemed a bit……I dunno……cliché?  Trite?

Then I saw this picture.

Perfect.

Where a month ago everything was clear and bright and exciting, now it’s foggy and hard to see and messy.

Where everything was on track, now there seems to be no track.

The forest has been felled and everything laid bare.
Ripped up, ugly, muddy, broken.

And I haven’t coped with it very well at all.

Tears. Ranting. Barely able to get out of bed. More tears. Yelling. Eating (all the wrong stuff). Tears. There’s even been an f-bomb or two dropped. And more tears. Questions. Doubt. More tears. More questions. And every emotion known to man. It’s not been pretty.

And I feel guilty about that. All of it. I feel like I should have it all together.
Here we are, embarking on this journey to be ‘missionaries’ (still not a word that sits with me well or, I think, fits me). Spiritually mature, confident in their faith, trusting 100%, ready to face the world and whatever it throws at them with dignity and grace. A Bible verse for every situation and the perfect prayer on their lips.

And then there’s me. A blubbering mess, dropping f-bombs and no idea what to think, let alone pray. No confidence, a lot of questions, not even sure if I know what trust looks like any more. Wondering what is going to happen, when, how.

That hanging on thing? It’s down to a fingernail.

But you know what? God’s bigger than that. All of it.
Big enough to handle the mess that is me at the moment.
Big enough to cope with the tears, the ranting, even the language.

And best of all, I don’t have to hang on. I can let go (as difficult as that is) ‘cos He’s got me. He’s got us. Somehow he’s going to get us to the other side of this.

I don’t know what that means, I don’t know what it looks like. I’m not even sure what I am supposed to do – I think that’s the hardest part. But each day I just have to trust that He’s got me. If He’s got the sparrows, He’s got me.

Right?

Picture source

Earth Hour

Tonight was Earth Hour – I’m a bit of a fan.

It’s become a bit of a tradition at our place – coffee & dessert & a fire in a bin. This year it was just a few of us girls & the munchkins. Thought I’d share a few pics.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wonder where we’ll be for Earth Hour next year?

100 Happy Days

100 Happy Days

Can I be honest for a minute?

This year is looking pretty overwhelming from here. There’s so much that I, we, need to do to be able to actually get to Rwanda. And at the moment it all seems so, SO huge. So on the one hand I’m in “overwhelmed-where-do-I-start-don’t-know-so-how-can-I-procrastinate-for-a-bit-and-make-it-worse” mode, and on the other hand I’m in “I-just-want-this-year-to-be-done-and-be-there-already” mode. Finding it very hard to be ‘present’ – content with where we are, hand it all over to God and know He is in control, and live the rest of Psalm 121 in a real sense (here’s a link to Psalm 121, if you don’t know it).

Then I heard about 100 Happy Days, and I’ve decided to give it a shot. Not so much because I feel the need to be happier, more to be in the moment, content and looking for the joys and blessings in each day.

Want to join me?
You can check out my 100 pictures on my facebook page.